Epiphany and Oblivion, Rinse, Repeat
It’s time for a change. I can feel it in the air, in my bones. I’ve become soft. Complacent, even.
After a period of superhuman strength, vibrant health, and sharp, clear awareness of my trajectory in life, I’ve inadvertently allowed myself to slide back into destructive tendencies. I think the problem was overconfidence to begin with, but it later evolved into a severe lack of confidence. Confidence in my ability to overcome hardship, to control my lower instincts, to stick to the path of expanded consciousness and immaculate health.
Frustrating is the word I’m looking for. To have discovered a way of being so conducive to my goals in life, and then to allow myself to lose sight of it, to wander off the track, so to speak.
On the other hand, I’ve come to realize that this is the way of human existence. A rhythm of epiphany and oblivion. Remembering, and forgetting, rinse and repeat. As consciousness becomes clearer, as one gains control of ones attention and learns to direct it more effectively, the moments of clarity become more pronounced and solid, while the points of fogginess and mental lethargy become fewer and less devastating. Nevertheless, backsliding is a very real danger on this road to ultimate freedom of mind.
I mention this simply because becoming aware of this very human rhythm of maturity and evolution has helped me to cope with the place I find myself in right now. I should clarify, in no way am I lost at sea, as I still maintain relatively healthy lifestyle habits. I don’t want to make light of my predicament, though, because I certainly feel as if in many ways I’m deteriorating. In many areas of my life, I’ve been progressing rapidly in the last few months, particularly where it comes to finance and career. I’m maintaining a relatively healthy diet, but I’ve been consuming way too much sugar and crap that I don’t want in my body.
I feel still feel quite healthy, for the most part, though to be honest some allergies have been acting up again for the first time in the couple years since my transformational ten day fast of 2019, and I’m not as muscular and ripped as I was in the months following that majestic summer. My energy has been lower and less reliable, my mind has been foggier, and I’ve had less motivation for achieving my life goals.
Thankfully I’m nowhere close to where I was before the summer of 2019, but still… when you’ve glimpsed the countenance of God, metaphorically speaking, and a drop of the superhuman nectar of clarity of purpose has touched your lips, you’ve set some pretty high standards. My heart aches with yearning for the laser focused energy and sense of limitless potential that I felt during the winter of 2019-2020. It’s not that everything was perfect, it’s just that I had cleansed my body of poison and taken out a lot of proverbial mental trash at the same time. I’ve now allowed that poison to return, and the trash to pile up.
There’s another factor to all this, and that has to do with sexual energy. This topic is a bit involved, but I’ll try my best to make it accessible even to those who are new to the concept. More or less for my entire adult life I’ve used pornography and masturbation as a drug to cope with distress. I’ve had periods of sobriety, often lasting weeks or a even couple months, but I’d always find myself right back in the cold embrace of the digital succubus sooner or later. I’d have a very clear pattern of massive binges and severe purges, which is a common pattern in all addiction.
Sexual energy is a massive creative force, and constant sexual gratification, especially from such a super-stimulating source as is high speed internet porn, literally throws it down the drain. Esoterically speaking, semen is life force, and the source of motivation, power, abundance, and determination in a man’s life. I’ve found empirically that this is the case. Why, then, do I constantly cheat myself of this fountain of energy? I believe it has deep roots, although I’ve found that too much navel-gazing and retrogressive pondering can become detrimental. What matters is the now.
In the months following my long fast of 2019, I didn’t orgasm or view any kind of pornographic material for four to five months. That period was by far the most productive and inspired time I’ve experienced since I was a teenager. Coincidentally, I didn’t discover orgasm until after I was eighteen, so during my teen years I was incredible motivated and full of energy. At first it was directed toward my schoolwork but then later as I discovered booze, weed, rock guitar, girls, and lifting, I started to foolishly misuse that energy.
Anyway, for now I’m content with taking things a day at a time. Sexual energy cannot be allowed to simply pool up, as it can become unbearable. It must be used, transmuted. I suspect that one reason for my constant yo-yoing is simply that I’m not transmuting as effectively as I used to. However, I believe that the main reason for failure in this area is approaching it with a toxic mindset.
I’ve realized that the NoFap approach of “90 days no PMO” is absolute shit. Days should not be counted, except maybe backwards after a slip up. It trains men to expect failure. Rather, we should be counting every single day where we live up to our ideals and values as a win.
My greatest successes in the cultivation of sexual energy have been when I’ve been completely focused on my goals, with abstinence being a lifestyle choice, not a challenge or a short-term thing. Making a decision to stay away from the poison that is pornography and sticking to it.
I also suspect that the pick-up community and internet pornography are more closely intertwined than is commonly thought. I’ve found that when I stay away from porn for a long time, although I’m certainly highly motivated to meet women, it’s not the same needy, almost creepy desire to have sex with every girl you see. The obsession with sex in young men today is not a natural thing. It is artificially induced.
I’m not trying to make little of the male sex drive, as it’s obviously the driving force of a man’s existence. I’m simply pointing out that in the same way that if you’re constantly pigging out on sugary crap, you will have no understanding of your innate, natural appetite and sense of taste, if somebody constantly overstimulates themselves with the absolute depraved abomination that is internet porn today on a constant basis, their sexual appetites in day to day life will be compromised and volatile.
It’s time for a change. Nothing else to do than to take on tomorrow with a smile, open to the potential epiphany of the day, and with hope that the period of oblivion will be over sooner than later.
If you want to delve further into these matters, might I suggest that you check out my book (cha-ching!) Health, Simplified, available through Amazon here. It’s a concise chronicle of my own healing journey, the insights I’ve gained, and the incredible transformation that’s possible through taking full responsibility of your own health.
You can also check out the other videos on my YouTube channel, where I go deep into various aspects of health.