Stop choosing to be depressed!

As I continue to reflect upon my existence post-healing, by which I mean the period from the summer of 2019, where I fasted myself to health after being sick for years, until the present, I keep hitting my head on the fact that I’m not making good choices from day to day.

I’ve made the somewhat uncomfortable realization that so many of the negative aspects of my life are the result of the choices that I myself make every day. I choose to seek out the distractions, the procrastination, the instant gratification. I choose not to do the work required to build the body I desire, to pursue the women I’m attracted to, to build a business and a legacy that could change the world. In fact, I choose evil and shun the good more often than not.

I was walking to the store just now, and instead of listening to an endless stream of podcasts like I usually do I decided to leave my phone at home. On the way I couldn’t help notice that I felt depressed, anxious, and lethargic. I felt like things weren’t really going my way, I felt unattractive, unproductive, unmotivated. And then I dived deeper. What is it that makes me feel this way? Is the world to blame? Is it life itself that’s just so depressing and banal? Did I hit my head as a child and am therefor only capable of seeing the dark side of life?

Nope, I’ve just been making decisions that make no sense. I’ve been bombarding myself with easy stimulation in the form of sugar, porn, YouTube videos, coffee, and social media. I know, intellectually, that these things don’t really do me any good, although there’s a case to be made that all is good in moderation and all that.

I know, intellectually, that I’m using these things to procrastinate, to hide from the things that need doing. From the things I desperately want to do. From the things that, if I were to pursue them diligently and consistently, would allow me to create a life and manifest a vision that could save hundreds if not thousands of lives, heal so many people, build so much value and abundance.

That’s what’s so sad. This I know, yet I keep doing what doesn’t serve me. Obviously, I speak for many others than myself in this regard. I realize that I’m not the only person to deal with this purpose. However, I’m interested in finding a solution. I know there’s a solution, because otherwise there wouldn’t be such an abundance of people thriving, living their dreams, creating massive value in life. If life and human existence were simply suffering and nothing else, then we would all be equally miserable. The fact is that there is a way out of this state of being, and it requires honesty, consistency, and expansion of consciousness.

The way out of this terrifying cycle of despair is simply to allow yourself to become aware of that which you are running from. What is it that you’re trying to hide from when you seek out pornography? Is it your sense of not being man or woman enough? Insecurity in your sexuality and your self-worth?

When you decide to transform into a couch potato for the entirety of the weekend watching shows that leave nothing behind, is it because you’re afraid to face the fact that your life isn’t what you would ideally want it to be?

Are you using the instant stimulation that sugar gives you as a respite from the pain of not standing up for yourself to your mother, or your boss, or your partner? Are you drowning the awareness of your co-dependency in snickers and coca cola?

Do you use coffee and energy drinks to hide the fact that all the other stupid shit that you spend your time doing is causing you to be constantly lethargic, unmotivated, fat and sick?

It’s time to make a change. The way out is by honestly and patiently sitting down with the somatic sensations of the emotions that lie behind these self-destructive patterns. How do you find the right emotions? When you wake up and you’re craving that first cup of coffee like nothing else, that craving is in fact an emotion. You’ve simply tied the behaviour and the feeling together and it seems like they’re the same thing, but they’re not. When you start feeling horny and the first thing that comes to your mind is that nasty sissy porn you keep watching, that thought and the craving that accompanies it is actually the feeling you’re trying to suppress. What you want to do is to meet that feeling head on. Close your laptop, put away the French press, and just sit down for a while and focus on the sensations in your body as you contemplate the craving for whatever your vice is. You’ll find that at first it may seem really strong and uncomfortable, but as you stick with it you can start to consciously release the feeling and calm down.

In my experience you don’t get rid of it all at once. This takes time and patience and conscious awareness. That last bit is crucial. This is not a matter of form or technique, but a matter of consciousness. Consciousness is curative in and of itself. You can overcome this, truly you can, but you need to really dive in there.

Don’t get discouraged if you don’t manage to stop yourself. These are habits that may have been ingrained in you since childhood, and they will be hard to break. But instead of beating yourself up and white knuckling yourself into sobriety (which doesn’t work by the way), sit down and contemplate how you feel after the fact. Did that cup of coffee actually energize you? Did the porn actually satisfy you? Did the cake actually fill that terrible void inside of you? You’ll probably find that it didn’t. But don’t run away from that feeling. Relapsing into unwanted behaviour is an opportunity for growth in its own right.

This is something that I myself have been painfully slow to realize. I would constantly beat myself up and fall into deep depression whenever I fell into porn use, for example, even if I’d promised myself the day before that I’d never do it again. Beating myself up never accomplished anything, but truly contemplating what makes me betray myself again and again has given me insight like nothing else. I’m on the true road to recovery now, and it’s only a matter of time before I make a huge breakthrough. Consciousness is the key, and this is the Joy of Awareness. God bless.

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